You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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