So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
