No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize