She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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