There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
