My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
