Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
