if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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