i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
