I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
