I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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