I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
