This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
