There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Randomize
