I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
