Screwed.edu
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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