I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
