Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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