well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Randomize
