I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Let's get the cat blown out
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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