Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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