I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
