My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Randomize
