I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
