put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
