Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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