you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
