can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
