Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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