it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
