Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
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