Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
Soap is not a condiment
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
