I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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