??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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