This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
