Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
