Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
We were destined to go to rehab together
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Randomize
