Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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