My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
