If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
She bit a glass in half.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
