Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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