I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
