I feel great
I just peed on a car
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Randomize
