True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
