I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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