Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
No subtext here. People are naked.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
