I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
