Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
