I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Randomize
