If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
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