if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
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