I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Randomize
