I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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