So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
