Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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