I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
