so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Randomize
