i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
